Filthy words, filthy fingers

For those who like spiking their golf with a little gambling and their bracelets with little metal pyramids, I present to you Gambler's Golf.

"Beyond a thrill-a-minute experience and a life-changing look into the world of dice-based ball-physics and green-slope, what does Gambler's Golf offer me, the golfing layman?" (you might find yourself asking)

Hide your significant others, as here's the seedy sexy undercurrent you've been waiting for:
Yes, ladies, an angel has truly fallen from heaven. Back slightly arched in pure golfic ecstasy, club-phallus strategically angled for maximum eroticism, this modern Adonis is beckoning to you with the promise of reckless betting (golf only) and general fast-living. You will have a wild fling with this man, sloughing morals left and right and "rolling the dice" with your future prospects by doing so. At the end of the day, you say goodbye, glad to have lived free as a feral mare for at least one day before returning your your suit-and-tie existence. Slowly the memory of this glorious day fades and is replaced by everyday worries. One night, many years later, you awake in near-darkness to the sounds of rapid breathing.

You are never heard from again.
Anyway, play this game with me.

Here's another:
" Stocks won't be the only things rising when two consenting adults play the Stock Market Game!"
                                -My new promotional tagline for a  thirty-year-old game
 
This game represents a new fear for sensationalist headlines to trumpet, as it compromises the safety of our very children. The ubiquitous candy-offered-by-a-hairy-stranger has now evolved. Now, penny stocks are what predators use as bait. These are the very same penny stocks you learn about by playing the Stock Market Game.

"Sure," kids think out loud (with their meager reasoning abilities), "I'd love a stock in a well-known company for only a penny! Certainly this will quadruple in value within my lifetime, and I'll be sitting pretty!"
Poor kids. Poor, stupid kids.

Anyway, play this game with me.

Here's another!
With this powerful reminder that living in the ghetto is only a state of mind, Ghetto blows away years of research and humanitarian services by announcing, irrefutably, that ghetto living is actually fun!

"The foundation of my government-subsidized housing is cracking and instead of carpet I have mold? Better draw a 'desperation' card!" -Catherine Zeta-Jones, celebrity endorsement

I don't really know how this game is played (yet), but I can only assume it somehow connects to your cellular network dials every drug-lord in town, alerting them to your address and penchant for hoarding gold-plated PSTriples. Now that your environment is decidedly unsafe, you probably have to petition a non-existent landlord to turn your water and heat back on (a roll of a six on a six-sided-die means that water service is restored but the water has been replaced by medical waste bin runoff, a cheaper alternative). Next time you're thinking about "slumming it" (something I do on a hourly basis), don't forget to add a modicum of authenticity by taking Ghetto wherever you may roam.

In summation, everyone please play these with me. Thank you, and goodnight.

One day later, and these dudes are practically more pies in the gullet!
Will they grow in such a harsh clime?
Will they circumnavigate my living room, trapping any who dare enter?
Can they learn to love, or can I learn to stop loving them?

Garlic is next, and hopefully by next year, I'll have no dependence on the grocery store whatsoever, as I will be harvesting my own crops and butchering my own ewes and reaping what I sow (a bitter crop indeed).




A poem:

Have you seen this Pun'kin Seed
Whom, from hollow'd rind to hallow'd soil
Leaves little trace of its former need
Of sharing yon punkin's mortal coil
Though a casual glance may overlook
Their hidden life, their muted glory

Sleep lightly, with candlewick bright
One eye open, ready for flight
Your chamber-door bolted throughout the night

For the morning will find you gory
FIN

Also, I drew a picture:
I think I've been up too long today.
P.S. I'm going to see Jens Lekman tonight! Come to Dallas and watch the show with me!

Puerto Rico- Finally got the chance to play this the other day with Julie's bro and his wife, and after fifteen minutes of general confusion, we were addicted. This game is awesome. I rode my coffee crop to victory, cramming so many beans into the trading house, and leaving no space for everyone's wilting indigo harvest. BOST-IT indigo. I went on a search for a good board game distributor here in Dallas, and there is a great place in a mall around here called Game Chest, which stocked pretty much all the good stuff from Great Hall Games, with decent prices, to boot! Due to a pricing error, the guy let be grab P.R. for $24.99! What a sport-


Casino Yahtzee- I have no idea what this game is like, but I found it at Half Price, and can't wait to "always bet on black". Franny, I challenge you. Two people enter, two people leave (but one with a bruised ego).

My new blowtorch LED light-up penny melter- This thing is awesome, with three nozzles blasting blue flames up whatever curtains I point them at. I got it at DealExtreme, what I consider to be the Anthropologie for guys. Revel in these crazy (usually LED festooned) gadgets, shipped (for free somehow) from China. Check it out won't you?

And that's about it for today. Going to the State Fair tonight, to eat some horrible deep-fried chili-cheese burrito, and to leave a rose on the stage where Boys II Men played earlier this week. I may not survive.

The living wing is at the bottom, the great stunning trap hall/statue gallery shall be the first accessible thing to intruders. The lava/water/Dwarf channels shall run the perimeter.

Defense is not entirely by traps made, however, and Stephanie immediately offers her services as a axedwarf. She takes command of "The Oceanic Races", and upon hearing this, James rushes to enlist. I have them remain inactive in our military, since all is quiet on the front. "Go back to your drinking and crafting and hoisting," I tell them, knowing full well that in the blink of an eye, their precious lungs and spleens could be punctured by deer hoof.

1056- Skullsseal, Spring

Construction has gone well enough, and the river ice has finally melted to the point where turtling is an option. I empathize with the crude rocks I hew on a daily basis, and as such, they have guided my pickaxe to a deposit of Adventurine! I am aroused at the possibility of swinging a bejeweled pickaxe into friend and foe alike. . . but perhaps the time is not yet ripe to share these thoughts.

The raw turtles are piling up. James would love to clean them, and I allow him to construct a fishery out of Dolomite. He doesn't particularly care for Dolomite.

Patti would love a mason's shop out of Andesite, and I give her leave to construct one out of Dolomite. She detests Dolomite.

I sit down with Jta to find out where her strengths may lay, and find, to my glee, that she has a vested interest in high boots and cages. The inevitable winter suddenly seems less bleak.

1056- Skullsseal, Mid-Spring

These kennels are fucking useless! Why would I spend resources and time building them? I abandon the idea of a home for my Battle Dog and Hunting Dog.

My food vault is not yet complete, and the slightly-decomposed victuals in my "open air market" are attracting flies. First flies, then raccoons, then you stare in horror as your children are swept away by a three-inch deep stream and . . . wait, nevermind. Never ford the river.

Stephanie shows an aptitude for putting together mechanisms (of type unspecified, it seems they are universal for anything you could possibly want), and starts working on our defense.

Night falls, and as I finish up surveying James' handiwork, I glance over my shoulder at the darkened maw of Skullsseal with a twinge of fear. When I look back, James has somehow fallen asleep on a bucket and some doors. The sleep of the innocent always moistens the eye. I turn away and notice that all my Dwarves have contorted themselves in sleep. Jta snoozing on a pile of sharp rubble, Patti three piles over. I notice, with pride, that the doors Patti has been creating lately are of superior quality, and pick one on which to spend the night.

1056- Skullsseal, Late Spring

The so called "wilderness" we are in has been extremely quiet of late. Am I just being paranoid in thinking that something horrible is just around the corner? I need to get a trap set up, though I've never done it before.

We strike copper ore just as Stephanie installs the first diabolical trap. I gingerly put by foot on it, but nothing happens. It is a rather well-crafted trap, though, and Dave is very impressed by its fine lines and clockwork mechanisms.

I fidget too much, feeling that we're still vulnerable from a hostile force. Inspiration! I shall make a moat-maze out of our river, forcing any invading forces to wind and wend their way through cunning switchbacks, while our archers (none yet) have a refreshing round of target practice. Construction shall begin immediately.

Patti has taken to raw stone as one takes their lover to bed. She has constructed a gorgeous basalt statue, the sight of which will certainly stun and amaze intruders. I order it installed in the gallery.

Suddenly-


GADS! The food storage area was too expansive! Jta, dwarf of virtuous kink, was removing a rock from the area, and never had a chance against the cascading debris. We will dig her out of the rock, hoist her on our shoulders, and send her to the boatman with Adventurine on her eyes. In a bit. First, we have to tidy up the place. Oh yeah, I guess we need a coffin, too.

Patti heroically stifles her sobs and begins work on a final resting container for Jta, but the work is altogether too physically and emotionally exhausting, and she falls asleep in the coffin before it's complete. I decide that our sculpture room shall also do double duty as a mausoleum.

1056- Skullsseal, Summer

The season has changed, and Patti has yet to resume her sacred duty of interring our beloved deceased. She sure does love drinking and taking breaks and staring at her statues, though.

That night brought an uneasy sleep to us, for we were visited in the dark.
Jta is a vengeful spirit, and in the morning, we hasten to make things right. We rush to her body, ready to finally entomb her precious remains, but find her in a sorry state.
Dave is particularly disgusted by this display of decomposition. Somehow, in the chaos, a rat manages to die in the doorway, allowing Jta's precious miasma to spread to adjoining rooms. I have my suspicious about James, however, as he is covered head-to-toe in rat blood. Do we have a saboteur in our ranks?

though we are feeling the pinch from the loss of a member, we manage to finally lay Jta to rest, behind a statue in the gallery.

1056- Skullsseal, Mid-Summer

Installation of doors and beds in our private quarters has been completed. Some of our doors are particularly fine, and we admire them on a daily basis.

All else is quiet.

1056- Skullsseal, Late-Summer

A first migration of Dwarves from the city has arrived! A sprightly Dwarf by the name of "Jta's Avenger" brings an anvil, enabling us to pursue the metallic arts. 

Patti manages to put the finishing touches on the pillars of our gallery room, and though none of us can complain of the pure craftdwarfship, Patti seems plagued by a genetic lack of creativity. One of her finest pieces still lacks that certain spark, but does ask many a question of the observer:

On this pillar is a rendition of a superiorly designed image of a shell, named "The Glory of Pulleys".

Is the actual carving superiorly designed, or is the subject (in this case, a superiorly designed image of a shell) itself masterfully designed, and Patti's carving merely a crude tribute piece? The questions mount up, and the controversial piece attracts much debate.

1056- Skullsseal, Autumn

We start work on the large room that is to house many of our workshops with adjoining raw material storage. We need to move the workshops indoors, as those outside are exposed to the as-yet-unseen hostile forces.

1056- Skullsseal, Late-Autumn

A passing merchant train caught us flat-footed, and we hastened to make a suitable area for them to unload their wares. By hastening, I mean that everyone decides to take a break at the same time. By the time we are done, I have barely the time to offer a few trinkets for some leather and food before the merchants take off for greener pastures. "Winter is approaching", they say (ominously).

1056- Skullsseal, Winter

The first frost wiped out all the shrubs, and the river has frozen. A casual perusal of our foodstores reveals something that I had been meaning to work on. We may have to eat seeds to survive.

1056- Skullsseal, Late-Winter

We have struck silver, but our hunger prevents us from celebrating in any active way. Stephanie brewed the last of our edible food for some reason, presumably to numb us towards our lingering demise. I send a Dwarf out to search for a river that was rumored to course underground. If we find it, we can begin farming.

Success!

1057, Skullsseal, Spring

A year has gone, and with it any ambitions I may have had regarding leading our clan towards affluence and snobbery. I have laid a shaky groundwork, and shall lose myself in my mining, allowing any courageous Dwarf to pick up the tattered remains of my command. Who shall lead us?

I am weary yet healthy, and I portend great things for our industrious civilization. Strike the earth, noble Dwarves!

    -Dan

My internet is finally on! A kind Russian man came over and installed the modem and refused "hospitality" in the form of a "banana chocolate-chip muffin" and "a glass of water", if you know what I mean. Gross. Things are definitely looking up, as evidenced by the cat I tried to draw in mspaint with my eyes closed.

Go ahead, do it.

Open mspaint, close your eyes, and draw a kit'n! Show me these creatures, and we'll donate them to a museum, and Ben Stiller will have a heart attack when they all come to lyf and then Robin Williams is doing his thing that he does and then America all goes at once and fills the theater and talks about how this movie is like five times better than "Blown Away", but I think it had Nick Nolte and that can't possibly be the case.

I'm going to see Neko Case and Rufus Wainwright tonight. What are you doing?